… what goes around comes around.

It started out as one of those uneventful days that just seemed as if it was going no where. Fast. With a few errands to run in and around Rosebank I thought I’d stop at one of my favourite cafés in Parktown North for a morning latte and verboten-espresso/choc-chip muffin. As I looked up from my pale-pink newspaper there he stood in the daylight: the ex-boyfriend that I can’t seem to let go. I think that it has more to do with being haunted by some of the things that I’ve said publicly about the break-up. And about him in particular that I wish I could take back. Not because I believe that we could become friends through forgiveness but because they weren’t particularly nice.

He was the one who first enlightened my consciousness with the concept of Karma, and in recent weeks, converts of The Secret have expanded on it exponentially. While I always ascribe thoughts about Karma to the cookie-fortune school of psychology I wondered back to my relationships and if a string of bad dates really entitled me to one good one. And will treating someone badly in one relationship ensure that you will be treated badly in the next? Does everything that really goes around come around and if so will it come around to bite you in the ass? As I shook off the random sighting of my past indiscretion I had to ask if there is such a thing as relationship karma?

Having taken the time to sit down and write him a letter apologising for my words and actions some years ago I think that my words have fallen on indifferent ears. But somehow that doesn’t seem to take-away the emptiness I feel inside. Sure I can argue that it was eventually balanced out by his cheating on me but somehow two wrongs haven’t made Mr. Right. But learning from your mistakes is never an easy thing especially when you try to be something more than you are and a lapse in judgement causes you to re-examine where your life’s direction is taking you and ultimately how you are not just perceived by others but how you see yourself.

But as I try and wipe away the slate of my irresponsible past I realise that my actions had set in motion a karmic chain of events that put someone like him back on the singles’ market. To do to me what he has done to so many other hopeful men that thought he was the one. As if single, unassuming gay men in Jo’burg that aren’t from the plastic-production line of Melrose Arch Virgin Active didn’t have it hard enough already. And somewhere out there I know that he’s alone again. As am I. Searching for someone like you who’s looking for someone like me in a universe that may not always play fair … but has a hellava sense of humour.

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