… don’t let’s ask for the moon, we have the stars.

As I cried myself to sleep this Sunday past flitting in and out of the dreams filled with his sky-blue eyes, the way his lips curled up in the corner when he watched something new and exciting for the first time, and his overwhelming affectionate nature. Dreams that will keep alive his memory and serve as a reminded that nothing should be take for granted. Because like him he was in my arms one minute and a few hours later he was dead.

I remember that first weekend that we met each other in the parking lot of an overhanging service garage on the N1. Up until then his life was in Pretoria and mine was Jo’burg. But that changed too as he came into my life forever. Isn’t it funny how something so strange could become so familiar so quickly? It took me a few nights to get used to having him there but then like so much his rhythmic snoring ended up being a comfort.

Strong, wilful and independent we fought over what he liked and what I wanted for him. I’d like to believe that I was right most of the time but for the most part he got his way. I made less mistakes with him I think than I did with others in the past and that was testament to the bond between us. Even at the end of our time together I could look at his handsome face and guess what was going through his mind.

Openly affectionate, even in public, he would always demand my utter attention even when I was busy with something or someone else. I guess that being the baby of the family he was spoiled when he was younger and this carried through into his adult life. Whinging and whining and throwing tantrums when he didn’t get his way but the reward of seeing such pleasure in his face when he eventually did get his way made you want to give into him.

For 3yrs I was blessed to have him in my life and being there at the end will always be one of those turning points for me. The day I lost him was the day I became a man. Because in losing a treasured soul I learnt something more about mine. My capacity to love is equalled by the pain inside and no small part of my heart can ever love again like I loved him. There will be others in the future but he was my first. He knew that I loved him. I could see that in his eyes. Unquestioning and trusting to the end.

And it is that look … that last final look as I took out his drip and let him rest that I will remember. It will take me to my grave as it did him to his.



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