… paint (me right).

I have to admit that between my new job kicking in and my old habits being kicked out I was silently going out of my mind screaming with frustration. We’d had one of those great 2nd dates that started with coffee at my favourite barista, a hop, skip and a jump from his place, and ended up with me cradled in his arms and talking for what seemed like ages. Again. As the sun started to set, it dawned on us that we each had lives outside the walls of his bedroom and we parted ways each heading in opposite directions. But the promise of yet another date hung in the air and I drove away with that fleeting feeling of hope.

A feeling of hope that faded as quickly as the setting sun as I remembered that this was going no where I wanted it to. After all hadn’t I learnt my lesson before? When something seems too good to be true it usually is and when a guy tells you that his life is complicated you shouldn’t hear ‘perhaps this could work out’ but ‘run for the door as quickly as you can’. Being honest upfront counted in his favour but am I being naïve in wanting to get further involved when any day he might tell me he was back with his ex even though they had just become friends?

Knowing that I was in a funny place, my fuck buddy uncharacteristically became interested and supportive of my angst. The thing that brought us together is the one thing that I am most insecure about: sex. Both guys have told me that I’m their best ever but as I got into bed that night I got to thinking. Are we secretly being graded every time we invite someone to join us in it? A+? B? D? Incomplete? Is making love really nothing more than 20-questions? And if sex is a test, how do we know if we’re passing or failing? I had to ask: how do you know if you’re good in bed?

Perhaps as someone who loves sex … in every form, shape or position it doesn’t come as a surprise that I’ve been around the block a few times. ‘More than Princess Diana but less than Madonna’ is how Andie MacDowell explained it away in that dark horse movie about four weddings and a funeral. For me there is nothing more pleasing, than having your guy lay there for a while, as you please him till the point where he loses it and his primal instincts over take his reasoning and he becomes an animal. Sometimes you find yourself on automatic pilot – doing things because you know they hit the right notes, but with this guy, I want to explore every inch of his body learning it like a school boy does his multiple tables.

The thing that gets me about this new guy is that sexually we seem to click. The same things that turn me on do him and therefore sex is something that flows rather than the stop-start thing it can become. There are no boundaries and things that I was averse to before now seem like forbidden fruit served up on a silver platter. But before I change my eating habits I think that I need to go on that third date first. I think that I need to let go of him as a potential boyfriend and rather see him as who he is … someone I could have fun with.

… and I know that I could which makes it all that much more frustrating.


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