… fade to black?

 Fade in. Fast edits of me out and about town in bespoke charcoal-grey suits, crisp cotton shirts, thick silk tie folded just so at my neck. Young pretty things in various settings around the city, a hotel ballroom, a restaurant. Always a glass of something in my hand, occasionally a cigarette or cigar given to me by a stranger. Close-ups of me appreciating a bouquet, sipping a chilled cocktail with a sliver of lemon, downing a half-empty bottle of imported beer. A flash of a face in profile, looking in my direction. No words spoken, plenty said. The end always the same. I wake up in the middle of the night, quickly get dressed. As I open the door on my way out, a thin ray of light pierces through the darkness. A quick flash of a man’s face deep in sleep. He’s handsome, I leave. The hours and pages of a calendar peel away as footage of my life runs underneath. You see me in my bedroom. I’m texting the Sales Guy but get no answer. Flashing lights of a nightclub, I’m in a room just beyond the velvet ropes watching the crowd. A quick shot of me on a date. Cute guy, nice restaurant. Then just as he signals the waiter to come over, you catch me sneaking a peek at my watch. I’m walking towards a waiting car, idling at the curb or parked nearby. Now I’m back in my study working hard. I bury myself in more and more projects. A couple of parties that end in good but entirely unmemorable sex. The weeks of August, September and October peel away. More work, more parties, more sex. There is a flash of sky-diving, pony lines at a polo field, practicing kendo in a dojo, racing on a mountain bike, sailing in a regatta. In a boxing ring being pummelled by my trainer. Darkness falls and I’m in front of a computer. I’m scared to be alone, not trusting my intuition anymore. Close up of the screen. It’s blank. I shut down my laptop. I’ve tried writing but nothing comes easily. As though the past few months of living expectantly have left me bone dry. When they called it ‘heartache’ I thought it was figurative, a metaphor. No one told me my Eunuch heart would feel like this. I turn off the lights. Fade to black.

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