… when is bespoken, not spoken for?

 As the season seems to start earlier and earlier, the anxiety that I always tend to feel around this time of year has started to spill over like a dry vodka martini into other parts of my life. And with no solution in sight, I find myself dreading what should be the most festive and joyous of occasions: the engagement and wedding parties of some of my closest friends.

When it comes time for table arrangements, everyone knows a ‘someone’ who would be perfect for me to date, but few of these actually materialise into a tangible experience which seems less like a job interview with cocktails and more like ‘an affair to remember.’ Then when you at least expect it you find yourself ordering coffee, taking off your bespoke jacket and enjoying the company of an erudite demi-god in the warm summer’s sun … all just for the hell of it!

For the first time, in a very long while it felt good to be measured up and even better yet wanting to be wanted. I’m getting used to being alone again as time with friends slowly recede as they find their hearts occupied with lovers of their own. The reality between the haves and have-nots widens the void as you lose a lover you never really had and your closest friends all at the same time.

And so, this past Sunday as I sat reading the paper I was reminded that in Jo’burg you’re always looking for a job, a townhouse or a boyfriend. So let’s say that you have two out of three – and they’re incredible – why do we let the one thing we don’t have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? I had to wonder: why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero?

Anyone that has gone through a break-up can attest the first thing that goes isn’t your dignity – but rather your sense of self-worth. No matter how successful you are, intelligent or humorous the first question that you sob in the early hours of the morning is “what’s wrong with me?” rather than ask “what’s wrong with him?” It’s when a friend grabs you by the hand and kidnaps you for a day of tree shopping that you realise the happy ending that this will turn out to be.

It’s then that you know people may come and go in your life, after all that’s just the way it is, but there are a few who will always be there. The boozy swirling parties, the lingering lunches at your favourite sushi bar and the dinner/theatre with drinks afterwards with a certain green-eyed saxophonist are what happen in between. Life may not be perfect, but it’s the only one we have to live.

And after all, living well is what I do best.

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