Archive for December, 2008

… the email signature?

Posted in Uncategorized on December 19, 2008 by moderngatsby

200133301-002A while back, as we sat drinking our cappuccinos on the Library Lawns, he said something that has lingered in the back of my mind. It was over a year ago when I reincarnated these pages that my intention was to be more honest and open than I had in the past. Whether it was habit or just what happens between life the paterfamilias crept back in and what I really wanted to say was pushed out into the nether regions of my conscious. So I’m not going to be too harsh on myself, as I tend to when suffering moments of self-doubt.

 

The truth is, in moments of honesty that he seems to be the only friend that I have right now. And as the end of a bad week not only drew to a close, but blood, I realised that my self-destructive behaviour wasn’t the defensive mechanism I had thought but in reality a time bomb waiting to go off at the worst possible time in my life. In a moment of blind faith, I want to take a chance on a friendship despite the fear that comes with opening yourself up to someone new. The only difference is that this time, I know that the feeling is mutual.

 

As I grow up, I learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let me down did and through the years has left me with an ever widening gap of never understanding my [biological] father’s reason as he stood in the middle of the Lucas Oval after a parent’s day punching me in a drunken stupor and how for weeks afterwards it wasn’t the knowing looks of the spectators there but the shame I felt inside because it was my reality. A shame I live with everyday still of being a physically abused child of an alcoholic father.

 

That I will have my heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time and feels more acute as I realise that it isn’t a metaphor, or even figurative. Heart break is literally what it is and it never got easier after the Squirrel, or the Paper-Perfect Person or the Sales Guy after that. It started before them and will not end with them but with the orgiastic green light that recedes before me.

 

I’ll break hearts too, and will remember how it felt when mine was broken even though I can still imagine her standing there asking me if I would give her one last hug and knowing that one would never be enough as I saw the tears well up in her eyes. Believing then that I loved her and will always love her despite my shortcoming in not meeting her expectations. That somehow I was never enough.

 

That I’ll fight with my best friends as time separates us and the feeling that the friendship has become unequal. What I put in seems like more than I’m getting out and I question why I bother anymore. That I might never forgive the conscious deception that comes with knowing what the two closest to your heart did when you put your trust into their hands.

 

I’ll blame a new love for things an old one did but in his perseverance and patience has shown me that love is more than has been my experience in the past. That the physical is only one aspect in an adult friendship and the balance is in the discovery.

 

I’ll cry because time is passing too fast and because it feels I’m living on borrowed time. That I will eventually lose someone I love and fear it is my parents who I just cannot seem to connect with at the moment. There is an air of simmering discontent that hardens and darkens moments of clarity. Every which way forward seems to be a wall too high to scale … but needs to be.

 

In the coming year I want to take too many pictures, laugh even if it seems I didn’t get the joke, and take a chance on love and believe in it as if been hurt because every sixty seconds that I spend upset is a minute of happiness with friends and family and a one day a lover I’ll never get back.

 

My coming New Year’s resolution is that I won’t be afraid that my life will end, but rather that it will never begin!

 

… angels and demons?

Posted in Uncategorized on December 19, 2008 by moderngatsby

Father, forgive me it has been 17yrs since my last confession. In these years I have been envious of the world around me, coveting a lifestyle that I did not want; coveting men and women that I did not need; and coveting relationships that weren’t mine to be had | blessed is he who reads aloud the words of the prophecy  and blessed are those who hear and who keep what is written therein for the time is near |  Father, I have consumed everything and everyone with an uncontrollable gluttony – unable to stop even when satisfied.  Craving food that does not nourish my body and the sexual intimacy of strangers who are unable to satisfy the loneliness within | he is coming with the clouds and every eye will see him everyone who pierced him  and all the tribes of the earth will wail on account of him  | Father, it’s easy to say I am a product of the time we live in but I am wracked with accumulating material possessions that sometimes I can neither afford nor keep – and yet I keep on buying more, wanting more, needing more  | those of you who have not learned what some call the deep things of Satan I know your works; I know your toil, and your patient endurance and how you cannot hear evil men but have tested those who call themselves apostles, but are not  and found them to be false I know that you are enduring patiently and you have not grown weary but I have this against you that you have abandoned the love you had  |Father forgive me of my pride that often dictates how I view the world and the action I take therein  I believe without merit or reason in my abilities that exceed often my knowledge | and I saw a beast rising out of the sea with ten horns and seven heads and a blasphemous name upon its head  and the beast that I saw was like a leopard its feet were like a bear’s and its mouth was like a lion’s mouth and to it the dragon gave his power and the whole earth followed the beast with wonder and they worshipped the beast saying:” who is like the beast and who can fight against the beast?” and it opened its mouth to utter blasphemous words against God it was allowed to make war on the saints and to conquer  and authority was given it over every tribe  and a people and tongue and nation  and all who dwell on earth could worship it in vain if anyone has an ear let him hear if anyone who slays with the sword  | Father, I have become spiritually barren as the weeds of the world have chocked the garden of purity that once was my soul  In abandoning the house of G’d I have abandoned my own salvation  Where once I believed in everything now I believe in nothing  I am unable to trust the words uttered by those I love – scared to be disappointed again | then, I saw a new heaven and a new earth  and I heard a great voice from the throne saying: “behold the dwelling of god is with men he will dwell with them ,and they shall be his people and God himself will be with them he will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore  for these things will have passed away  to the thirsty I will give water without price  from the fountain of the water of life he who conquers shall have this heritage and I will be his God and he shall be my son but as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted as for the murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire | Father my vanity runs amok and I believe that I am better than most because of the privilege to which I was born  I encourage this with the people I meet, places I visit and lifestyle I lead | and he said to me, he said to me: “do not seal up the words of the prophecy, for the time is near  behold, I am coming soon | Father, I lust after a man that I met on Saturday night at a party. He is everything that I want in this moment. In the perfume of the evening night, I could smell his sex on his warm moist skin inked with words that govern my view of the world. With false pretence, we have started something that both are unable to finish – but the attraction is there – and we are drawn to the inevitable conclusion | I am the alpha and the omega I am the first and the last I am the beginning and the end  | Father, I come to you to ask for absolution of my sins  Father, hear my prayers | Amen