Archive for February, 2009

… was I?

Posted in Uncategorized on February 16, 2009 by moderngatsby

3136-000025They say that when you get your heart broken, your biggest insecurity is born, an orphan feeling that has little to do with reality. One friend, a girl who worked for the Financial Times, told me that when her boyfriend left, she thought it was because she wasn’t smart enough. How anyone could make her feel stupid is beyond me. For me it was a physical fear. Was I not good looking enough? It disappeared, or so I thought, the day I saw him with his new boyfriend. A balding, fifty something pot bellied dwarf with no soul. I’m not strike you down in the street good looking, but come on you’ve got to be kidding me. It’s been a few months since. Chest’s stopped hurting, and although it’ healed funny, the heart is now pumping at normal speed. But every now and then that feeling comes back unannounced, like a stubborn cold-sore. I met someone recently, a co-worker of a friend while at dinner in one of those trendy restaurants than ban smoking. A few dates later this demi-god tells me the story of a recent break-up. No he isn’t in love with him anymore. Really! Doesn’t think about him, doesn’t even talk about him. Even after all those years. He’s over him. Did he mention that they just broke up? His bedroom walls are the same colour as the rest of this fake-Tuscan palazzo, a smouldering cigarette burning nearby, and a kiss on his mouth that tastes like bourbon and ash seems to suck all the air out of me. Shirts flying everywhere, a belt-buckle clinking on a tile-floor and then the sound of elastic rubber snapping on naked skin. The coldness of lube being applied, heavy breathing, a big thick stubby hard cock. A pelvic dance. Then nothing. Did he stop or did I? He can’t go forward. His boyfriend’s face in the dark. A thousand apologies, the cold of the corridor. On the drive back home, in the darkness of the early morning, a tingling sensation on my heart like a cold-sore on your lip.
Was I not good looking enough?


… skies the limit?

Posted in Uncategorized on February 16, 2009 by moderngatsby

images1Lured by the love of the genii that moves in the depths of a purple sky, the world seemed to stand still as the only sounds were the thoughts that filled the void left by my echoing screams of euphoria lost to the wind. And there hanging like some angel’s marionette in the sky, I looked down below me as in the distance that was 3,500ft or less the mounds of sodden green welcomed me to their bosom while I fell at a frightening pace towards them.

Before, the morning spent in huddles of fearful bonding between instructions receded into memory as the words become my own actions. What seemed like hours were only minutes and what seemed impossible was now conquered. The words of his book were true, I remembered later as we sat near a roaring camp fire drinking warm beer, ruminating the history that now linked us strangers late into the night. Perhaps we even discovered a few truths of our own hidden.

And in the shadows the untruths lay, discarded by this eclipsed moment of borrowed time. And then I suddenly it felt like the wind was knocked out of me and I pause realising something about myself. I really, really liked this guy.