Archive for April, 2009

… forbidden love?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 30, 2009 by moderngatsby

I don’t, don’t care if it’s not right / To have your arms around me / I want, to feel what it’s like / Take all of you inside of me / Chorus: In your eyes (in your eyes) / Forbidden Love / In your smile (in your smile) / Forbidden Love / In your kiss (in your kiss), / Forbidden Love / If I had one wish, / Love would feel like this (Love would feel like this) / I know, that you’re no good for me / That’s why I feel I must confess / What’s wrong, is why it feels so right / I want to feel your sweet caress / (Chorus) / If I only had one wish, / Love would always feel like this / Wishin’ on the stars above, / Forbidden Love / If I only had one dream, / This would be more than it seems. / Forbidden Love  / (forbidden Love) / Rejection, is the greatest aphrodisiac (whispered) / (Chorus)x2 / Love should always feel like this / Heaven forgive me, never forbid me / Love should always feel like this …

… due north?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 30, 2009 by moderngatsby

 In the darkness of the house, I could hear the pre-dawn mother city slowly waking up around me. Faint, almost indecipherable noises like my next door neighbour unlocking his car; a dog barking in the distance at an early jogger or the coffee machine switching on and to start percolating the dark, strong brew that I would need to make it through the morning. Sheltered for a little while longer, I hid under the covers as this would be my last day here before heading back to Jo’burg and the impossible reality of an enormous workload before me. Both terrified and excited there is nothing left to do but leap forward, off the cliff of the unknown!

 

The past few weeks as I slowly, unconsciously move back into a cocoon of sorts I’ve allowed myself the time to re-evaluate my own wants and needs that has been precipitated with a changing of the seasons. Dangerously perhaps my unreasonable heart has stirred up longings that rejection seems to fuel, a will that is strong but a flesh that is weak when it comes to righting my fitness that has been neglected and an impossible ego that is licked by the fires of ambition that are slowly becoming all consuming. This has left me with a lingering feeling that I am floating ethereally between with no real connection to anything. Or anyone.

 

I’m slowly getting used to this vagrancy between lives, friendships and yes, even lovers that come and go as the months march on. There are moments when I feel like I belong but then reality reasserts itself and I’m rudely shocked by the naivety of my beliefs. And while that statement might seem a little ‘woe is me’ – it isn’t – reality is the thing that keeps me moving forward, towards self-reinvention and self-discovery. But, like many things now days his words come back and remind me that perhaps I am putting myself under unnecessary pressure but the truth is that there is a part of me that is seeking his approval by achieving the impossible.

 

… almost as if in winning the unattainable I might also win something else altogether. A sense of acceptance of myself.

 

Later that morning, coffee drained and dreams forgotten I sat at the airport with another skinny decaf latte and a buttery croissant in my hand. Flipping the pages of my glossy magazine, I was grateful for the distraction when my mobile beeped alerting me that an email from a new business partner had arrived. Transient herself, she was sitting at an airport of her own enroute to her idyllic island honeymoon just off the African coastline. For the past year as I have moved with the speed of the continental drift to put together a platform that will redefine a continent’s industry. In doing so, I’ve found my own way but seemingly lost the plot.

 

Wouldn’t it have been so much easier with some kind of guide at the start? After all when so many roads to success all come with detours as well you kind of wish that life had a built-in GPS system. Because with so many choices in life, inevitably there are so many mistakes to be made and as we putter along this road called life, occasionally a boy will find himself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess he just has to let go of the ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda,’ buckle up and just keep on going. As we speed along this endless road towards destination called ‘who we hope to be’ I can’t help but whine … are we there yet?

 

… and isn’t it ironic?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 by moderngatsby

An old man turned ninety-eight. He won the lottery and died the next day. It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay. It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late. And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

There’s a line in a song that has being playing over and over in the back of my mind for a while now and it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that the poetry struck me with the irony of life in general. It’s taken me 14yrs for the words to resonate, and boy have they? A metronome to the months that have ticked by, a friend with benefits has been creeping deeper and deeper under my skin and become just a best friend. In an ordinary world this would be the first sign that I was heading towards some sort of an exit, but instead of being shown the door I’ve been shown into the inner sanctum that is his friendship and trust.

 

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly. He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down he thought “Well isn’t this nice…” And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

And all this while, these past few weeks have also shown me the irony of false friendships as I have had to struggle through the growing pains of my company, and my integrity as they both emerged from chrysalis. In doing so the hardships have also revealed the silken webs we weave as we go along. Certainly separation of wants and needs have made me stop and think that what we want certainly does have a way of finding us when we least expect it and need it most. It takes just a cup of coffee at a bar with a beautiful stranger between media training, the sharing of a passion and mutual respect for the craft of others – all steps that take time to reveal the hidden mysteries of life.

 

A traffic jam when you’re already late. A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break. It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. It’s meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think. A little too ironic…and, yeah, I really do think…
Like the truth shared between two strangers as they sit in the late afternoon sun and debate a future that can never be shared or imagined except in unspoken words and half lived dreams. And even if that one moment of fantasy were met – I’m not sure if I could live with the pressure that would come when a world was surrendered for your love – of being the man that everything was sacrificed for. I realised this when I almost threw away what we had for someone I never truly wanted in the first place.

 

It’s like rain on your wedding day. It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid. It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take. Who would’ve thought… it figures. Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right. And life has a funny way of helping you out when. You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up in your face.

 

As I sat starting at the stars this past weekend, it struck me that in life it’s a pretty common belief that women tend to use the left or more emotional side of their brain and men the right more logical side. But is it really that cut and dry? It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart there’s a battle between what we know and what we feel. So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation that leaps back and forth between the left and right side? I couldn’t help but wonder: when it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?

 

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out. Helping you out