… due north?

 In the darkness of the house, I could hear the pre-dawn mother city slowly waking up around me. Faint, almost indecipherable noises like my next door neighbour unlocking his car; a dog barking in the distance at an early jogger or the coffee machine switching on and to start percolating the dark, strong brew that I would need to make it through the morning. Sheltered for a little while longer, I hid under the covers as this would be my last day here before heading back to Jo’burg and the impossible reality of an enormous workload before me. Both terrified and excited there is nothing left to do but leap forward, off the cliff of the unknown!

 

The past few weeks as I slowly, unconsciously move back into a cocoon of sorts I’ve allowed myself the time to re-evaluate my own wants and needs that has been precipitated with a changing of the seasons. Dangerously perhaps my unreasonable heart has stirred up longings that rejection seems to fuel, a will that is strong but a flesh that is weak when it comes to righting my fitness that has been neglected and an impossible ego that is licked by the fires of ambition that are slowly becoming all consuming. This has left me with a lingering feeling that I am floating ethereally between with no real connection to anything. Or anyone.

 

I’m slowly getting used to this vagrancy between lives, friendships and yes, even lovers that come and go as the months march on. There are moments when I feel like I belong but then reality reasserts itself and I’m rudely shocked by the naivety of my beliefs. And while that statement might seem a little ‘woe is me’ – it isn’t – reality is the thing that keeps me moving forward, towards self-reinvention and self-discovery. But, like many things now days his words come back and remind me that perhaps I am putting myself under unnecessary pressure but the truth is that there is a part of me that is seeking his approval by achieving the impossible.

 

… almost as if in winning the unattainable I might also win something else altogether. A sense of acceptance of myself.

 

Later that morning, coffee drained and dreams forgotten I sat at the airport with another skinny decaf latte and a buttery croissant in my hand. Flipping the pages of my glossy magazine, I was grateful for the distraction when my mobile beeped alerting me that an email from a new business partner had arrived. Transient herself, she was sitting at an airport of her own enroute to her idyllic island honeymoon just off the African coastline. For the past year as I have moved with the speed of the continental drift to put together a platform that will redefine a continent’s industry. In doing so, I’ve found my own way but seemingly lost the plot.

 

Wouldn’t it have been so much easier with some kind of guide at the start? After all when so many roads to success all come with detours as well you kind of wish that life had a built-in GPS system. Because with so many choices in life, inevitably there are so many mistakes to be made and as we putter along this road called life, occasionally a boy will find himself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess he just has to let go of the ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda,’ buckle up and just keep on going. As we speed along this endless road towards destination called ‘who we hope to be’ I can’t help but whine … are we there yet?

 

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