A month into the New Year, it seems like just the other day that I sat down and wrote out all the things that I wanted to achieve. Places I wanted to visit, books I wanted to write and yes, even a movie that I wanted to make. Nevertheless, between the words eloquently notarised, the inaction of my ambition fell short, and all that is left are the echoes resounding through an abyss. These past few months have been a series of highs and lows, and like all passionate creative people, the highs have been atmospheric and the lows catastrophic. I have survived (*… perhaps the perfect theme for a song with a disco tempo?) and keep moving forward towards something, somewhere that I seem to be drawn to – like a ship in the night towards the moonless horizon.

Not all is lost however as I discovered in the packing and unpacking of a life’s travels, I reintroduced myself to an old CD by a now defunct French collaboration that stormed the charts over a decade ago with their dance/Gregorian electronica music. Loaded onto my iPod I find myself listening to it repeatedly while gardening, out mountain biking or now as I sit in my study writing these words in the comforting semi-darkness that the room has become since the sun set some hours ago. A bowl of home made pasta in a fresh tomato and basil source sits unfinished next to a glass of red wine besides my Moleskin notebook that was a birthday gift from my Beloved. And while struggling to find the rights words I am drawn to the reassuring sight that is my Great Dane sprawled out on the Persian carpet that almost covers the parquet flooring.

There is an ancient saying [badly paraphrased and I apologise] that a dog is one of the most Noble creatures because it will never break Faith with you. As I get older, I become more and more certain that this belief to be true. To me the idea or belief in Faith is an absolute unlike the concept of unconditional love. I do not believe in unconditional love because all emotion is conditional – the very idea lends itself to be originated in something else rather than in a truth. Therefore, when it comes to the truths of man, I find it a convenient deception that we wear like a mantle around ourselves as we resist the onslaught of our despairingly ordinary lives. Perhaps this admission sounds cynical or even a little jaded but it is a truth I have held to for many years despite being swept up periodically into the frenzy of a new romance or even an old one as the case sometimes turns out to be.

A few months ago, I was reintroduced to someone from my scholastic past. Considering that in a city like Jo’burg is not an uncommon thing the trouble is that I find my interest in his younger, much gayer brother could very well stem from their physical similarity – the fact that they look alike. Almost as if delicately sodomizing his younger brother to within an inch of his most imaginative expectations, it would somehow be the same. The thing is despite the heterosexual posturing the claxon sirens that blare whenever I am around him are seldom wrong in other cases more determined than his. They say, that if you can’t be with the one you love than love the one you’re with but when they sit in the same room as each other it does make the decision more difficult when you look at the politics not just of the past and the present, but the future too. And not just my future either.

As the skyline flashes with streaks of lightening and the house shivers with the thundering clouds above, my eyelids became heavier and heavier as my eyes strain to continue moving forward into the early morning darkness. As I head off to bed I am reminded that the right guy is out there. Somewhere lives a man. He’s a bit of me, and a bit of whom I’d like to meet. An idea of a person that comes to mind whenever I get dumped, go on a bad date, or have sex of the ordinary kind like I did earlier this evening. He has no clear features or name. He’s the one.

The only problem is that I think I have already met him and let him go too easily.


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