Archive for August, 2010

… two roads?

Posted in Uncategorized on August 9, 2010 by moderngatsby

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveller, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth.

It had been one of those afternoons that, it seemed to me, that flowed naturally and without any expectation as coffee turned to lunch, lunch turned to movies and in between the witty conversation spoke volumes about the man that was my companion on this early spring afternoon. As I drove home from one of the most beautiful movies I have seen in years, I remember listening to his words, the empathy that I felt was real, realising that some of his truths were mine too and that got me thinking of the journey between the passing from one season to the next, and birthdays in between.

Then took the other, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for that, the passing there had worn them really about the same.

I got to thinking about the road most often not travelled, and as a friend always says to me “… it’s about the choices we make.” Sometimes in making them, in the moment they seem to be the wisest, but in reality our wants and needs are seldom the same. In this past year I have made a few mistakes, but have tried to learn from them. I have fallen in love, I’ve let go of friendships that had outgrown the value exchanged. I suffered the loss of a treasured soul, the birth of a Noble reason and in between I’ve managed to keep my faith in the promise of tomorrow. As the moon glistens in the dark, winter ink stained sky the ember of a dying cigarette clouds my eye, and I become sentimental for a moment.

And both that morning equally lay in leaves no feet had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

Every morning, these past few weeks as I wake I slowly mull over the reasons that keep me taking the next step forward. Sometimes we forget that friends, our modern families are the reasons that keep us who we are. From a friend who took a leap of faith and met for coffee at the Library Gardens and become the mentor I never had to the one who never questioned why but only when as she rescued me in my greatest hour of need. From the man who changed how I viewed the world, as he instinctively bought me a jersey to keep warm at the worlds’ greatest sporting event to the woman who will always remain my beloved no matter as the years pass and the geographical distances become ever greater. To new friendships that already seem old, to old friendships that never tire and the million reasons that are often forgotten but always treasured.

I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference …

Today, I realised that I have already been given everything that a man could want: friends that truly love me. Nothing more can be asked for, and nothing given can compare.

Thank you!

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… ke nako?

Posted in Uncategorized on August 9, 2010 by moderngatsby

They say that it is always darker just before the dawn, but in the reality of my own moment dawning, the icicles gathering in patterns both beautiful and inspiring around the air that we breathe together left me feeling cold and alone. As I left the club and headed back towards the highway I knew that I had made a terrible mistake. In denying one sincere request, I accept another as if it would lessen the hurt I felt inside at yet another rejection from him. I quietly unlocked the door and withdrew into my darkened sanctuary, the warmth of this rural stone mason cottage filled with a friend’s friends felt like a tomb trapping my dreams for a friendship that could never be whole and without blemish. This friendship, amorphous from one point to another, breaks the boundaries that hold the fragile state of where we are, and as they unravelled and I knew somewhere deep inside that my dreams dreamt as a young boy were over.

Perhaps it was the words that I wrote from my heart, or the way I penned the signature to them but in that moment the double edged knife that comes with my truth pierced the veil between our eunuch hearts and the passion bled onto the Persian carpet at our feet, crimson and staining like the tears that I silently cried into the pillows mourning the loss of a kindred soul. In a moment of honesty I cannot lie to myself when the daemons come that he is someone that I want in my life, but the forces that gather on the horizon forebode a storm coming that I will not survive unscathed. And as history repeats itself again, and again, the lessons learnt never lesson the pain of losing someone that has managed to scale the heights of the walls that you build to protect yourself despite the yearning to be loved by someone. This is my birthday weekend. A time meant to be spent amongst those you truly love and adore. And who love you in return.

The problem is that right now, the chrysalis that has enveloped me strangles the transition from boy to man. From lover to friend.

From who I am to who I am now forced to be.