… ke nako?

They say that it is always darker just before the dawn, but in the reality of my own moment dawning, the icicles gathering in patterns both beautiful and inspiring around the air that we breathe together left me feeling cold and alone. As I left the club and headed back towards the highway I knew that I had made a terrible mistake. In denying one sincere request, I accept another as if it would lessen the hurt I felt inside at yet another rejection from him. I quietly unlocked the door and withdrew into my darkened sanctuary, the warmth of this rural stone mason cottage filled with a friend’s friends felt like a tomb trapping my dreams for a friendship that could never be whole and without blemish. This friendship, amorphous from one point to another, breaks the boundaries that hold the fragile state of where we are, and as they unravelled and I knew somewhere deep inside that my dreams dreamt as a young boy were over.

Perhaps it was the words that I wrote from my heart, or the way I penned the signature to them but in that moment the double edged knife that comes with my truth pierced the veil between our eunuch hearts and the passion bled onto the Persian carpet at our feet, crimson and staining like the tears that I silently cried into the pillows mourning the loss of a kindred soul. In a moment of honesty I cannot lie to myself when the daemons come that he is someone that I want in my life, but the forces that gather on the horizon forebode a storm coming that I will not survive unscathed. And as history repeats itself again, and again, the lessons learnt never lesson the pain of losing someone that has managed to scale the heights of the walls that you build to protect yourself despite the yearning to be loved by someone. This is my birthday weekend. A time meant to be spent amongst those you truly love and adore. And who love you in return.

The problem is that right now, the chrysalis that has enveloped me strangles the transition from boy to man. From lover to friend.

From who I am to who I am now forced to be.

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