… freefalling?

It’s complicated …” I lied as I answered his question and in the silence that followed as we stood on his patio, I knew it sounded as empty and transparent as the empty glass in my hand. Fortunately the semi-darkness of the lush gardens at this boutique hotel provided a shadowed masque that made my usually inscrutable face even harder to read as the truth hit home. I was alone because I had consciously invested so much time and energy into relationships that while in the beginning would never go anywhere, yet managed to find their way into our hearts and a possible future together.

As Dave’s words still echoed, the anger that I had been feeling towards the two men that I felt were anchors in my life of late bubbled like a geyser of tar.  With a growing frequency, it was demonstrated in the most destructive passive-aggressive behaviour imaginable and had become symptomatic of the resentment I now felt towards what we had. And as the distance between widens the abyss of silence that comes as you lose the intimacy proximity brings the resentment grew as I realised what we had now lost. Struggling with the decision of whether to let go, or try and work harder to salvage, I faced the fear of the moment and did something so out of character: I spoke up and confronted a great love and one that found itself something in between.

Later that week while I paraded my latest bête noir to friends, I got to thinking about it all. In life it’s a pretty common belief that women, and some gay men tend to use the left or more emotional side of their brain and men the right more logical side. But is it really that cut and dry? It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart there’s a battle between what we know and what we feel. So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation that leaps back and forth between the left and right side? As I sat drinking my vodka tonic I couldn’t help but wonder: when it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?

When it came to the Cookie Monster, it started as most of our mornings do, I’m late for work and he’s trapped at work listening to me try and have a conversation while he updates his email, plays with his iPhone and in between it all make the appropriate noise at the most suitable time. After months of this disinterested politeness, I snapped. And like the dam of emotion that had swelled up this past year since we were no longer, it burst out of my mouth and into the empty townhouse we now occupy by circumstance. When the tirade had trickled to a whisper, I could hear from the on the other side of the line that what I said was true. We were going to lose something that meant something to both of us. And just like that we followed our hearts and made an effort to begin again as something we had long forgotten we started out as: friends.

While the second, yet equally important decision was easier than I imagined it could ever be. With no expectation, or explanation necessary I quietly removed him from my life. Yes there will be days that I will miss his company, but those days are long past since he made his decision. It hurt when I heard the words uttered as I stood opposite him in the kitchen, now in hindsight I realise that perhaps he had chosen his equal, when I compare myself to the decision that is manifest to all the things that I could never settle for, dreams that I would never realise and a life that I could never have had he chosen me.


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